Stop Seeking Approval: Be Seen Without Changing Who You Are with Michael Henri

0:00 Hey, and welcome to the Going Pro Yoga podcast. My name is Michael Henry, and today we're going to be diving into the tender and liberating truth, which actually has to do with last week's episode. If you had to, if you tuned into that one, the inner critic versus the true self.

0:15 And so for this week, we're talking about your belonging is not something that you actually have to earn. It's already something that you carry with you. So if you've ever found yourself chasing approval, doubting your worth, maybe shrinking yourself just to kind of fit in, then this conversation, this podcast is for you.

0:35 Let's face it, external validation is human to want. We want external validation, but it's not the source of your true belonging. So today we're going to reconnect the part of you that knows that you are already enough. Before we dive into today's core conversation, I'd love again to ask for your support by reviewing this podcast. We share this free resource to everyone and anyone who's willing to listen.

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1:37 It only takes a few moments and it really helps us out. Thank you so much. So now let's kind of dive into the core conversation. But before we actually do that, I do encourage you, if you haven't done so already, listen, listen to last week's episode about the inner critic versus the true self. This is one of the best ways to kind of like, let's say, create the platform for today's episode. We're going to be emotionally contrasting seeking approval versus trusting your inner

2:04 worth. That's basically what we're going to be doing, talking about the seeking of approval, that external validations, external validation versus trusting your inner worth, trusting your yourself. So when we talk about seeking approval, seeking approval is trying to earn acceptance by molding yourself to let's say, meet others expectations. It pulls you away from the true voice of the deeper self versus your inner worth.

2:40 Your inner worth is the unchanging value you hold simply because you exist. It's the deeper knowing that your worth isn't something to be earned, it's something to be remembered. So the desire to be liked, to be accepted is ancient and it once meant survival.

3:03 But today, in today's modern world, evolved world, somewhat evolved world, seeking constant external validation can leave us feeling hollow, disconnected from our true selves. So think of a time you shifted who you were, even slightly to gain approval. Maybe it was in the working setting. Maybe it was in the yoga setting or social setting. Some people like myself, used to express that I'm like a chameleon and I kind of adapt to the environments. I can adapt to be able to fit

3:43 into social scenes. And I used to wear that like a, like a metal. Like I was proud of this chameleon effect because it did allow me to connect with different people and allowed me to kind of get along and feel belonged, belonging, I should say.

3:58 But now as I'm older and I recognize that this chameleon aspect, even though it felt like a skill, it was more of a burden or a, let's say, a blocking of me. Just allowing myself to be me and not needing to actually be accepted by these others through this external validation, but just accepting that I am who I am and I love who I am.

4:19 So again, think of a time that you shifted who you were even slightly to gain approval. What did it cost you and how did it feel in your body? If you can go to that place, maybe something recently or maybe something in the past.

4:36 Just take a moment and think about that again. Think of a time you shifted who you were even slightly to gain approval. What did it cost you and how did it feel in your body? OK, let's move on into the yogic perspective of this conversation.

4:56 And like last week we talked about this word called Asmita. ASMITA which stands for false identity or mistaken identity. And it reminds us that when we define ourselves through others perceptions, we lose sight of our true self.

5:13 That true self being Atman or your soul. So belonging isn't about fitting into someone else's mold, it's about coming home to yourself and fully and unapologetically being you. So from let's say a more scientific left brain perspective, studies have shown that individuals with higher self compassion experience greater authenticity and less dependence on external approval.

5:45 So self compassion is something that let's just say is not in an abundance for a lot of people. We're often harder on ourselves or more of a critic towards ourselves. We have more of this narrative that we are less than or we're, you know, there's something wrong with us and we're broken and we need to be fixed. And if you're can't relate to that, again, the the last episode is all about that to understanding that. So self compassion towards ourself is actually a great tool to lead towards less dependence

6:18 on that external validation. How can you be more compassionate towards yourself? So self anchored people not only lead more resilient lives, but they also form deeper and more genuine relationships. So what parts of yourself have you been hiding or editing to be accepted?

6:42 And what might it feel like to let them be seen? So reflective thought, yeah, these prompts or these little journal prompts, these questions, you know, I've been doing them quite a bit the last few episodes. And and, you know, you can use them how you want to do them.

7:03 You can kind of just sit in your own space and reflect back to them. But I'm going to repeat them a few times. And I think one of the best ways to actually kind of embody it is to, you know, really absorb the question, like sit with the question for a moment.

7:13 So depending on what you are doing, if you are, you know, at the gym or you're driving around or whatever you're doing, try to allow yourself a moment to just kind of sit with this question. I'll say it one more time. From your perspective, what parts of myself have I hidden or edited to be accepted and what might it feel like to let them be seen?

7:39 What parts of myself have I hidden or edited to be accepted and what might it feel like to let them be seen? So as you kind of like Mull over that one, we're going to kind of continue the conversation, but moving more into, let's say, the space of performing for acceptance versus being an integrity, which is kind of like the synonym emotional contrast of what we just talked about South performing or being this person through acceptance, putting on a mask, if you will,

8:13 performing versus being an integrity of who you are and who your true self may be. So let's kind of just look at what that actually means from more of a definitive perspective. Performing for acceptance is like putting on that mask. It's presenting A curated version of yourself to gain approval.

8:34 I'm sure we all know a particular time where we've done that. And when other people do that, we might even catch when other people are putting on a mask. And it may bring temporary praise, like this chameleon effect that I spoke about before.

8:47 But it leaves the heart longing for actual, real connection. And just so that you know, that chameleon story that I had shared before about me feeling like I can connect with any group actually resulted in me having a difficult time connecting with anyone really. And I never really established strong relationships in my earlier years.

9:11 I was just friends with a lot of people, but I was never truly friends with anyone, if that makes sense. I didn't actually have strong bonds. And now that, you know, I'm in my 40s, a lot of the friendships that I had when I was younger are almost non existent.

9:27 You know, there's only a few that have kind of held on, but most of them have kind of fizzled away because they weren't, they weren't really steeped in truth. They weren't steeped in integrity. It was more sore performance through acceptance or sorry, acceptance through performance. So, OK, let's shift back into the integrity piece or being in an integrity.

9:45 So an integrity, which is one of my core values and one of the most important things in my life is living, speaking, and acting in alignment with your true values and your essence. It's choosing authenticity over applause, even when it feels vulnerable. It's exhausting to perform, to always wonder, am I actually enough?

10:11 Yet when I'm in this state of putting on that mask, it consumes so much energy. To not be yourself, but integrity. Living true to who you are brings a different kind of peace. It's natural, it flows, it's you. There's no energy that needs to be expended in such a way.

10:34 And if we were to relate this back to teaching yoga or just anything in general, are you acting in such a way that is actually you? It's an integrity with you, with your true self. And if you're not, maybe there's a reason for it because of, you know, survival or need or something like that to some effect.

10:51 But at the end of the day, there still should be an eye or some sort of vision or some sort of perspective that's still noticing that integrity or that part of you that really wants to shine through and, and really be accepted, not from other people, but from yourself. Because if we can accept our own true identity, our own authentic selves, then that's really all that matters. And once we start with that foundation, then we don't necessarily need to put the mask

11:20 on for other people. Other people will either accept or not accept our true self or our who we are and we can't even control that. But if we try to control that by putting on a mask and shifting who we are, then who who actually are we? If we're constantly changing, we're constantly adapting and we're constantly trying to be this person that this other person wants us to be, it doesn't really help you in the long run.

11:49 Let's say. Maybe in the short term it might feel like you're connecting and you're able to be, let's say, accepted by the individual or the individuals, but it's it's, it's an inevitability that it will break it. It's not it doesn't have the integrity of the strength.

12:08 So recall a moment when you stood in your own truth, your own integrity, your own authenticity, even when it wasn't the easiest path. Just try to recall a moment when you stood through that authenticity. What did this moment actually teach you and how did it feel inside? So from a yogic perspective, maybe you've already gone there, but we're talking about Satya, truthfulness, one of the Yamas, and then one of the niyamas, which is actually interconnected, as well as

12:48 Santoshia or contentment. So these ones work together in this situation. Truthfulness invites authenticity, authenticity of your true self, your true integrity, and contentment invites trust that who you are is already enough. Now for that, let's say, left part of that brain, that scientific perspective.

13:13 OK, so neuroscience shows that the brains or sorry, the brain rewards systems light up not only when we receive external validation, external praise, which we've talked about this many times before on this podcast, but also when we act in alignment with ourselves in our inner values.

13:31 It's almost like a self validation or self pride to some degree. So integrity itself can be a source of profound sustainable fulfillment through our own being or through our own actions. It doesn't need to come from the external world.

13:48 Sure, getting a little bit of that external validation can be helpful in a lot of ways to be able to navigate this world and to build confidence and getting feedback on the way that things are being done. But we just need to be mindful that is that dopamine, is that external validation of the reward of that external validation taking over?

14:08 Is that becoming the new identity of who you are trying to be so that you can get more of that validation and pulling you further away from who you are authentically are or being? And if that's the case, then it is an inevitable crash that's going to happen because it's just not.

14:28 It's not sustainable in that way. So let's just kind of connect again to our own selves. Depending on what you're doing, if you're driving, this will be hard. But otherwise, if you have a moment, just place your hands over your heart.

14:43 If you want to just close your eyes, gently soften your eyes and just start to feel the beat of your heart, it's connecting a little bit more with your body and a little bit more with your breath. And just repeat after me.

15:06 As you're inhaling and exhaling, you can either repeat yourselves. You can feel the words, or you can just listen to the words and let them absorb through your ears. My belonging lives within me. Who I am lives within me. To be myself in any particular moment is the truth. My belonging lives within me.

15:54 So you don't actually have to chase belonging. You don't have to try to be somebody in order to belong. You are belonging each time that you honor your truth, each time that you soften into your authentic self, your strength or the strength of the foundation that cannot be actually taken away, That's when you are going to feel whole.

16:20 That's when you're actually going to be in a place where it doesn't consume so much energy to exist in this world, to operate in this world. So, you know, if you're a journaler or you just want to like sit with these questions, I'm going to go through some prompts as I usually do.

16:41 Where in your life do you seek external validation? Is it in the relationships, working relationships, personal relationships? Is it just walking outside of the house and the neighbors? And what deeper need is trying to be met? Is it a sense of belonging?

17:01 Is it a sense of connection? What would it feel like to belong to yourself first? To connect with yourself first? What would it feel like? How might your teaching, your relationships, and your leadership shift if you're rooted more deeply in internals? Trust your trust, your inner wisdom, your true self, your knowing of your belonging.

17:44 Belonging from within is not a destination, it's a daily return to who you already are. So you're not here to perform to your worth, you're here to live your truth. External praise may come and go, especially from the outside world, but from the inside, you inherently belong and that remains steady, rooted, and strong.

18:12 You are already whole. So thank you for tuning in this week and kind of just reflecting for yourself, building a little bit on last week's episode about your worthiness, your truth, your integrity. So thank you. Thank you for honoring your true self today and thank you for being that light that you can always be.

18:43 So thank you for honoring your true self today. And I'm going to leave you with a few grounding breaths to reconnect to that inner belonging to that self. If you want to continue with me and you have the capacity, depending on what you're doing right now, just take a moment to settle into ideally a comfortable seat.

19:03 If not, standing is fine, just start to relax your body a little bit. You can soften your eyes, soften your gaze, close your eyes if you want to. Just start to relax your jaw, your shoulders, and the space between your chest. Just soften.

19:22 And then just breathing in slowly and exhaling steadily as you inhale. Say softly to yourself, I belong to myself. Hear the words, whisper the words, say the words out loud. I belong to myself. And then exhale into that softness.

19:57 Inhale again. I am whole exactly as I am. One more time has you been hell. I am whole exactly as I am. And last one. Big breath in. I am home within. Big breath in, I am home within, OK? Thank you so much for being here, for playing this game with me, which is life and being exactly who you are, whether it is in this moment or later today or multiple times throughout the next week, month, year, Always coming back to your centered self and whatever way you need

21:02 to do that. Maybe it's a hand on the heart, maybe it's a breath here and there, and maybe it's a couple words to remind you. Maybe it's a note on the wall. Maybe it's a morning routine that's going to get you started for the day. Lots of ways that you can kind of approach this. So as I let you go, I'm going to give you a few more bonus, let's say reflective prompts to kind of dive into this topic a little bit more.

21:24 Again, if you're a journaler, it's a great way to go. These questions or these prompts will be in the show notes for you to reflect back on at another time if you need to. Otherwise, where have I mistaken external approval for true belonging? So just trying to identify those times. Where have I mistaken external approval for true belonging? What does my body feel like when I'm rooted in my own truth? What does it feel like to be rooted in your own truth, your own self?

22:08 What small act can I take today to honor my belonging from within? What small act can I take today to honor my belonging within? All right, thank you so much for tuning in this week and for again playing this game with me of life going through these prompts.

22:34 As always, I'd love to hear feedback. How's this working for you? I keep adapting these podcast styles a little bit every time, to be honest, kind of going off the cuff and just seeing what works for me. And I assuming things are working for you guys cuz you know, people are still listening, but I'd love to get feedback. So let me know.

22:52 Shoot me message on Instagram. You can send an e-mail if that's your thing Podcast at going proyoga.com. I do get occasional bits and bobs of feedback, but I genuinely would love to hear what you guys think about conversations like we've had today or just the general flow and structure of these podcast episodes.

23:10 I'm always basically trying to improve myself and you know, I'm only seeing myself from the lens that I have. So it's always nice to get some sort of external perspective that I can reflect on myself. Otherwise, thank you so much and have a beautiful day and we'll speak to you next week.

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