It’s OK to Feel This Way: Validation vs Invalidation with Michael Henri

0:00 Hello. Hello. Good morning and welcome to the podcast. My name is Michael Henry. And today's conversation touches on something we all really long for, we all really want, but we don't always often receive. And that is the feeling of being emotionally seen, understood, validated.

0:22 So whether it's within ourselves or in our relationships, the way we respond to emotions can either build connection with ourselves, with other people, or it can quietly erode it. We're exploring the contrast between validating and invalidating emotional experiences, both in how we speak to ourselves and how we show up for others or respond to others. Because when feelings are dismissed, minimized, or misunderstood, it creates disconnection. But when they're acknowledged,

0:56 even gently, it builds safety, trust, and healing. And so, like always, before we jump into today's core content, I'd love to ask for your support by reviewing this podcast if you haven't done so already. I'd very much appreciate it if you just go down to the main podcast page, whether you're using Apple Podcasts or Spotify, find that star review, and then just give us some love. We really appreciate it because it helps us to grow the podcast so that we can reach more people

1:40 and share more of the stories, the journeys, and the love that we give in each one of these episodes. So thank you. Otherwise, let's jump in to the first emotional contrast that we're kind of, let's say, deconstructing today. So this is the validation, the invalidation piece. So understanding these two core emotional responses always starts off well when we can actually define what does it actually mean to be validated to validation versus this invalidation.

2:12 So validation is the act of acknowledging, accepting someone's emotional experience as real and understandable, even if we don't agree with the reaction or the story. So this is really important before we move on to the next one. The important factor of validation, and this is something that I can strongly relate to, is that sometimes it's hard to validate something whenever you don't agree with something.

2:45 But it's not about agreeing with it. It's about understanding and recognizing that it is a real experience that someone is experiencing and that's what's most important Versus invalidation is very much the opposite of that. Dismissing, minimizing, or rejecting someone's feelings, often with phrases like you're overreacting, it's not a big deal, just get over it.

3:16 Don't feel that way. I don't want you to feel that way. You shouldn't feel that way. Things like that. This often happens unconsciously. We respond unconsciously, not really stopping and thinking about the way that we might respond to someone, possibly even ourselves, even if we have good intentions. And then this can often often cause a rift as well within two people.

3:43 So the voice of validation says things like it makes sense that you feel that way. That must be really hard. Thank you for sharing that with me. So those are three very simple ways that help to validate someone's experience. But it doesn't necessarily mean like you agree with what's you know happening in that moment.

4:07 And again, it's not about agreeing or disagreeing, it's about acknowledging the truth of the situation. So if you are going to be in a state of let's say invalidation, some more examples is that you shouldn't feel that way.

4:22 Why are you still upset about that? I don't understand people, other people have it worse than you. Let's think about this person. All these things basically take away from that person's individual experience and basically says what you're experiencing is more or less stupid, dumb and wrong. And that's just kind of, that's just going to stir up too many things.

4:47 So hopefully the concept of validation and validation becomes a little bit more clear with that. I think the main thing is that agreeability, that it's not about agreeing with the person and what they're doing. It's just about, again, acknowledging what is true in that moment. So this has happened to me often enough with my personal relationships and I actually had a hard time learning what this was for a long time.

5:13 Validating versus invalidating because I always go to this place of like, well, I just don't agree with the way that you're seeing this. I don't agree that you and I don't understand why you're frustrated or why you're sad about this thing. Because perhaps me personally, I don't get sad in those situations or I don't feel frustrated in those situations. So that agreeability is not necessarily important part. The understandability is somewhat, but if you don't understand it because you

5:41 haven't experienced it before, that's OK. You can still understand why someone might be upset based off of context. So that's why it's kind of good to say something like, if you can, it makes sense that you feel that way, or I can understand why you might feel that way. You know, it must be really hard. It seems like it seems like you're having a hard time. You know, that's another good one. It seems like you're having a difficult time. It's not about agreeability.

6:09 It's just about acknowledging what the person is experiencing in that moment. Now we're going to move into a little bit more of some other aspects as well. But before we kind of do that, I'm just curious to see, should we go into the science or the yogic stuff first?

6:25 Let's go into the science stuff. That's kind of what I'm feeling. Then we'll go into the yogic stuff afterwards. So emotional validation very simply calms the limbic system. The limbic system is, you know, you can put it into that right side of your brain, the part that is a little bit more, let's say, reactive in the sense of trying to protect you, your reptilian brain, if you will. And it reduces cortisol when you're getting that emotional validation.

6:55 So allowing your prefrontal cortex, which is more of your, let's say, left side of the brain, problem solving, decision making, rational thinking to start to reengage. And this is really important, really simple. When we invalidate someone's experience or someone's feelings, we're doing the opposite of that.

7:14 We're actually spiking this limbic system increases this shame activation, which basically makes people feel shame in the brain, and then it starts to basically dysregulate their entire nervous system, causing more of a problem, more of a rift. So when it comes to validation and invalidation, the when I'm kind of thinking about these things, and I know I talk about the nervous system a lot, something that's really important in a lot of ways, but I often think about this when someone is upset, it's not so

7:46 much the words behind the words, it's what's going on behind the words. OK, they're feeling a bunch of things. So they're dysregulated right now. There's a lot of emotion that are coming through. They're having a hard time, let's say, thinking clearly. Maybe they're sad, maybe they're upset, maybe they're crying, maybe they're on the verge of crying. So as a human that understands emotions, and if you are a human who wants to understand emotions, recognizing that by validating and saying things

8:16 like it seems like you're having a hard time, that must be really hard. It makes sense that you feel that way based off of what you've told me. You know, thank you for sharing that with me. All of those things are, it's kind of like the milk to your spicy food, right? It helps to neutralize the nervous system in such a way that the person feels relief, they feel at ease, they feel safe with you.

8:45 And when that happens, their nervous system regulates in such a way that they're actually starting to come back. And when I say they, I mean they're balanced self starts to come back, which means they might actually start to have more of the rational thinking, problem solving skills, you know, decision making powers or what we call this prefrontal cortex to start to activate a little bit more clearly.

9:10 So when that happens, that's when you know there's going to be so much better things afterwards because now there's going to be a better conversation, better dialogue. And when I say better, I mean they'll be more clear from both sides because the person that might be listening to someone who's experiencing a lot of, let's say, emotions, they might be more in their balanced state and therefore be able to recognize, you know, certain rational elements or logical

9:36 elements. But the person that might be experiencing the emotions, because when we're experiencing, I don't want to say all emotions, but certain emotions that feel quite strong, it can definitely dysregulate our system. So being around someone that can help to validate hold space for that feeling.

9:55 And when we say hold space, it's basically allowing the emotions to be experienced without judgement. When that happens, it helps to regulate the person back to neutral and then boom, there's only positive that comes after that typically. So long term invalidation is what links to anxiety, disconnection and emotional repression. So in relationships we definitely don't want that because that eventually leads to things like resentment as well and further problems in the

10:26 future. Now, if we were to kind of bring this into the, let's say, yogic perspective, I would say this is more about ahimsa, non harming one of the first yamas, which includes emotional harm such as shaming or silencing emotions.

10:48 So as we know, yoga invites us to observe without judgement, which is the heart of validation. We're all witnessing things. We're all observing things. So in the heat of a moment when we're in discussion with someone in a relationship, or maybe it's just someone that is out and about and they just start, you know, sharing a lot of emotions to you unexpectedly and you're kind of like, whoa, what is going on? The best thing that we can do, if it is appropriate, is to just acknowledge what the person is

11:18 experiencing, which doesn't mean that you agree, just means you're acknowledging the fact that this person is upset about something and that's all that really matters in that moment. So holding spaces in yoga is not just physical, it's about emotional. So whether you're doing this in a classroom, whether you're doing this one-on-one with an individual, it's just a skill that does require a bit of practice. Sometimes it's just a matter of rehearsing the words, memorizing the words.

11:49 And again, I'll repeat a few of those simple statements to say, 'cause I do have some friends that I know have a hard time with knowing what to say in those moments, 'cause when someone feels a lot of emotions or they're sad, they kind of go into this freeze. Like I don't know how to react.

12:03 I don't know how to respond to someone who's being so emotional or experiencing so many emotions, so things like it must be really hard. It makes sense that you're feeling that way. What I'm seeing is that you seem to be feeling a little sad right now.

12:20 Thank you for sharing that with me. Simple little statements that can really, really help to not only create connection between you and the individual, but help that individual themselves find more balance. So let's kind of anchor this somatically in our body.

12:39 Place your hand on your heart. Take a deep breath in and breathe out. Just breathe slowly for a moment. Close your eyes if you can, hopefully you're not driving, and then silently say to yourself or whisper the words, it's OK to feel what I feel.

13:12 It's OK for others to feel what they feel, even if I don't agree, even if I don't fully understand, for the understanding will come later. It's OK to feel what I feel. OK, let's move on to similar but secondary contrast of what we're talking about, and that is self compassion versus self judgement. So it's they're different words, but they're definitely interconnected to what we're talking about with this validation and validation.

13:56 So it's not just about how we actually speak to others, but it's how we actually speak to ourselves. So self compassion, self judgement, compassion is what? While self compassion is meeting our own emotions with care, understanding and acceptance. Not that different from meeting someone else's emotions, accepting understanding even when we feel shame or ashamed, lost or overwhelmed versus self judgement. Self judgement, sorry, there was a, there was a worm on my table, so I had to get rid of that.

14:42 Self judgement is more about criticizing or suppressing emotions internally, often with some sort of inner dialogue that is not so positive. You know you should be over this by now. Why are you so sensitive? What's wrong with you? What's wrong with me?

15:03 You know all this shame of you experiencing what you're experiencing and not being kind to yourself for experiencing it, That is a way of invalidating self. So the voice of self judgement says if I were stronger I wouldn't be feeling this way. I'm being dramatic.

15:25 And of course that can be turned the other way. You wouldn't want to tell someone else they are being dramatic. Instead we can use self compassion. Man, this hurts and it's OK to hurt. It's OK to feel sad. You can definitely say the words.

15:41 You can just experience and feel that. You can write it down, journaling it. I feel sad right now and it's OK to feel sad. I can hold this part of me with love. I can be sad, I can be upset, I can be frustrated and I can do it with love towards myself. I am human.

16:01 We all experience emotions. Whether we allow ourselves to experience those emotions is another question. But knowing that we are all the same and we all experience emotions is OK. Now to kind of connect this a little bit together before we kind of move on from talking about this self compassion and self judgement when it comes to validating other people's experiences, emotions or situations. You know, while we can use some of these statements like, you know, make sense that you feel

16:39 way, it must be really hard. Sounds like you're experiencing some sadness right now. It's OK to feel sad. These are all really great. And then following it up with something like, you know, I've felt sad before as well, or I've been in a similar situation where I've felt a similar way.

17:00 So that kind of takes it in another layer. It's almost allowing you to validate their experience, but then also letting them know like, hey, you and I are the same. You and I are the same. We experience the same things, right?

17:14 You might not feel, let's just say, you know, like this is my best friend or this is my partner or whatever. And like, you know, we are the same person, but it's not about being the same person. It's about being that we're both human. We're both people who experience emotions and whatever you're experiencing right now, like I've experienced this before and hopefully you've acknowledged to you yourself that you've experienced these emotions before. So this practice is something

17:43 that can be first of all, learnt as we talked about it on a podcast. Second of all, it can be practiced. And as we practice it, it gets easier and easier and we become less unconscious in our responses in these situations and become more conscious of how to respond in such a way that is more empathetic, compassionate and loving. So coming to this scientific perspective or nervous system perspective, self compassion towards yourself improves your own resilience over time.

18:19 It lowers your own anxiety and it strengthens your emotional regulation or what we would call vagal tone. If you're familiar with the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is one of the main nerves that comes from your brain and it helps to control and regulate and maintain balance for your heart, circulatory system, your lungs, your digestion and so on. So when we can improve our emotional regulation, we improve our vagal tone and like we tone our muscles so they're kind of strong and ready for action,

18:54 ready for activity, ready for contraction. We can also tone our nervous system or our vagus nerve to be able to manage emotional dysregulation as well. There's a readiness for feeling things and being able to acknowledge and have self, have self compassion for ourselves.

19:15 Now, it's important to recognize that when we have self compassion for us, it makes it a lot easier to start having compassion for others. If we have a hard time showing someone compassion or helping to validate someone's feelings and might be because part of us are having a hard time validating our own feelings or having compassion towards ourselves.

19:37 It always starts with us, of course. So there is a Harvard and Stanford. Actually, there's several Harvard and Stanford studies that show that people who practice self validation versus suppressing what you're experiencing, your feeling have improved immune responses and healthier coping mechanisms.

19:58 There are lots of different coping mechanisms, but actually healthy ones. So just thinking about that when it comes to your emotional experiences and the emotional experiences of the people around you. So let's kind of anchor this somatically as well.

20:16 If you can wrap your arms around your torso, give yourself a gentle little just kind of feel, you know if you can grab your opposite shoulders. Just kind of give yourself a little bit of a squeeze here, just kind of feel your body and then just start to breathe with yourself till your body expand as you inhale, soften as you exhale.

20:48 I am allowed to feel this, and I am learning to love it too. It's OK to feel this way, and I'm learning to accept it too. So this is easier to do in moments where we're not actually experiencing heavy emotions. Like right now, you probably might not be listening to this podcast when you're in a state of, let's say, heavy emotion, but the practice itself can start with training. So even just doing this little somatic anchors can really help to start the process, kind of

21:36 lay the foundation for in those moments when you are feeling quite a bit, recognizing first of all, that your nervous system might actually have a hard time finding that rational thinking to even remember this conversation that we're having right now. So give yourself compassion there. But that being said, the more that you practice it and become aware of it by listening to episodes like this, kind of putting into practice when you are feeling good, it'll start to again strengthen that memory,

22:08 muscle memory, vaginal memory, if you will, to be able to know how to respond a little bit more compassionately towards yourself in the future. So this is how we can kind of integrate it. So validation, again, doesn't mean agreeing. It means acknowledging that the emotion is real. Someone experiencing an emotion, no matter what the emotion is, is a real experience.

22:33 Even if in your logical brain it doesn't line up, that doesn't matter. If someone is sad, they're crying. That's a real experience. So acknowledging that is really the step of what we're talking about here. I mean, we all carry stories that shape how we respond in the world, and we all need space to feel what we feel without shame. And if we don't get that, it causes further dysregulation. And it just makes life a lot harder and makes relationships a lot harder.

23:12 So here's a couple reflective questions before we kind of move into our meditative breathing exercise. The Klaus Today's episode. Where have I invalidated my own emotions? And how can I start to shift that? What language do I use when others are hurting? Do I rush to fix or can I stay with them while they're in it? How would my relationship shift if I made space for the full human experience?

24:00 How would my relationship shift if I made space for the full human experience? That full human experience is all of the range of emotions that exist. So you are not too much, your feelings are not wrong, and your presence as you are is enough. When we honor our emotions with compassion, we invite others to do the same.

24:34 So it starts with us, and that is where deeper connections actually begin. So let's close today with a soft practice of emotional presence, gentle little breathing, meditation. So if you can find a kind of comfortable seated position, close your eyes if you are able to, and then just find stillness for a moment.

24:59 Just feel your body, just be present to it. Place your hands somewhere comfortably or let them dangle by your side. If you're standing, just take a couple breaths with intention. Let the breath settle. Even in this moment. You might be feeling something or multiple things as you inhale, whisper, think, maybe say this feeling belongs or these feelings belong.

25:47 I am safe to feel it's OK to feel Ioffer my kindness when I feel Ioffer my kindness to others when they feel I am learning to be with all of me. You are not alone in your emotions. You are not broken. You are becoming. You are remembering who you are and who we are.

27:03 Thank you so much for tuning in to this week's episode. Hopefully there was something here for you to pull away from. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day. And like always, we'll speak to you next week. If you have any questions, of course, you can reach out to us, send us a message on Instagram. All that stuff will be in the show notes. Otherwise, take care for now.

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