Why We Mask: Performing for Acceptance vs. Real Belonging with Michael Henri

0:00 Hello, everyone. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening. Depending on when you're listening for me, it's morning here and just wanted to welcome you to the podcast. My name is Michael Henry, and today we're going to be jumping into something that a lot of us can probably relate to at some point in time in our life.

0:17 Sometimes it was a struggle. Maybe it currently is, especially in our roles as facilitators, teachers, friends, caregivers, and leaders. And that's that exhausting loop of trying to get it right. Whether it's in your classes, your relationships, or how you show up in life.

0:37 You might notice that you shape shift, hide, perform, or transform into a way hoping that it will earn you connection, earn you trust, earn you acknowledgement or validation. But the truth is, performance may win the approval, but it's rarely leads to a sense of belonging.

1:04 And belonging begins where performance actually ends, when we allow ourselves to be fully seen, even if it's messy. So before we get into the core content for today, I'd like to just invite you, if you haven't done so already, to support us by reviewing the podcast. If you go down to the main podcast page on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or whatever podcast platform you use, Scroll down to that star review and just give us some love. We really appreciate it.

1:50 Otherwise, let's continue to the conversation about this performing or performance versus a sense of connection or belonging. Now, let's begin with this emotional contrast between performing and belonging and actually define like what do these things actually mean and then move through them. Now performance or performing, defined as the act of adjusting your behavior, your personality, or presenting yourself in order to gain approval, success, or

2:22 some sort of sense of safety. Now this can be a subtle shift that you might be doing or you might notice other people do without actually really knowing that you're doing it. It could be a smile that hides some sort of discomfort, which is very common. Smiling a lot, always smiling.

2:40 It might actually be masking something else going on. Perhaps a posture that says I've got it all together, almost like an overconfident posture or a yes that actually hides the no. So a performance is ultimately the opposite of authenticity.

3:00 It's doing something that is not fully you versus belonging. Belonging is more of what we actually want. Performing might be something that we want to do if it's intentional, especially for, you know, acting and we're trying to portray a particular character. But if we want to belong, belonging has a lot to do with actually being yourself.

3:27 And belonging is the feeling of being accepted for who you are, not who you pretend to be. And it's rooted in authenticity, vulnerability, and of course, internal alignment. So the voice of performing can say a lot of things, but one of those or a couple of those things could be what do they want me to be right now? And this is more of an inner voice or inner dialogue. So what do they want me to be right now? How do I need to present myself?

4:03 I can't really mess this up. If I show too much of who I am, they might leave versus the voice of belonging might say something more like I don't really have to prove myself. I am enough as I am. And then the right people, the right people will stay. Now, of course we can lead this to facilitation in yoga classes. That's something that we do talk about. So of course, you know, being yourself might push people away versus performing might actually

4:42 attract other people. Now we can talk a little bit more about what's the pros and the cons behind this, but I would say the main thing is to just start to think about it for yourself first. While we can talk about this conversation in context and you know, given examples this, let's try to relate it back to yourself.

5:02 Like where in your life do you notice yourself putting on a mask to fit in, to conform, to teach or to connect, to be a person that you know? Is that whatever environment that you're trying to perform in is kind of almost seemingly expecting you to perform in that way?

5:26 Maybe it's already been established. The expectation of that performance or that person or that mask has already been established. What are you afraid will happen if you take that performance, that mask off? What would happen if you started to be more of yourself, started to show truthfully who you are?

5:53 Now that might feel scary because you're like, well, if I show people who are, I am, What if they don't like me for who I am? Well, as scary as that sounds, the truth is, is some people won't like you for the way that you are, right? And some people will love you for the way that you are. But the same thing's true for whether you wear a mask or not or perform or not.

6:14 Some people will love you for the way that you perform and others will hate you for the way that you perform for different reasons. So at the end of the day, we can't actually control how people see us. That is in the in the the control of the the beholder or the eye of the beholder. So they are seeing you in a particular way. The way that they perceive you is up to them, not up to you. So if it has something to do with, you know, I want to make sure that I can control this

6:49 situation by being the person or being or behaving in such a way that is conforming to what they want, then I will be accepted. Then I'll have this sense of belonging, and then everything will work out. But the downside to that is that you're not being yourself. And when you're not being yourself, well, what happens there?

7:15 Well, you use a lot more energy to perform than it is to just be yourself because you're constantly in this. You're kind of like living in someone else's body to some degree. Perfect example of this. If you know or follow Jim Carrey or even know, you know, if you've ever seen him in movies before or you're familiar with him in the last, let's say, decade or so, he was a performer. Such a performer, right?

7:42 One of like, let's say top actors in like, say the nineties, 2000s, something like this Canadian guy, very funny, up for debate for some people, but he eventually had this revelation where he was never truly himself. He was never truly Jim character.

8:03 He was a Jim character, Jim Carrey. He was always playing a character. He was always performing, yes, he was an actor, so of course he was actually performing, but that became his whole identity that he was never actually himself.

8:14 He was always trying to play the role, play the part to entertain, to be able to fit into or belong to whatever it is he was doing, whether it be movie sets or, you know, I'm sure engagements and parties and stuff like this.

8:31 So if you're not familiar with him, I'd check him out. He's, you know, he's, he's dove in a little bit deeper into the spiritual growth of recognition of authentic self. Now when we're looking at this truthfulness, the Satya as we call it in yoga philosophy of being ourselves, it invites us to speak and live from our center, from who we actually are, Not for the sake of actually performing.

9:05 We're putting on this mask to belong, but for for an inner alignment. And this inner alignment is what actually fuels you. It's what allows you to be able to go on for long periods of time. So belonging in yoga is about connection to the self, connection to you, not seeking validation externally.

9:29 Now, we've talked about validation before in many different ways. And while it's nice to receive validation, it's nice to, you know, feel like we're getting some sort of feedback in a positive way. But it's so much more powerful, so much more powerful when it's coming after you, actually being you, doing things in a way that is authentically you. Now there's a bigger conversation here around like, OK, well, yes, I want to be me, but sometimes I actually not even sure like how to be me

10:06 anymore because I've been performing for so long where I don't I don't know how to not perform. It's almost like it's conditioned now, which is probably true. Conditions, patterns, beliefs, identities can all shift. They can all adjust.

10:23 So over time, if we have been putting on a mask, if we've been performing, doing things in such a way that we've been doing because we're trying to people please, or we're trying to, you know, impress others or feel like we belong or we feel like we have some value by acting in a particular way, behaving in a particular way, making decisions in a particular way.

10:47 Even if it feels inauthentic, even if it feels like it's not truly you, then that's going to cause a huge dissonance or resistance within yourself, which is just extremely stressful physiologically for your body. Because performing often triggers this social threat response in the brain. Activating your fire alarm system, what we call the amygdala, and increasing stress or cortisol versus authentic self-expression.

11:22 Truly, actually being yourself and expressing yourself authentically, even if it feels scary, actually increases dopamine and oxytocin, promoting a sense of trust, calm, and of course oxytocin sense of belonging, connection.

11:38 So people who feel a sense of true belonging have better resilience, lower anxiety and healthier relationships. Now knowing that intellectually is great, actually putting it into practice is a little bit more challenging.

11:54 So again, coming back to thinking of times or places or moments or an area of your life where you're, you're performing, you're acting, you're you're being someone that doesn't fully feel like you. Maybe it is yoga teaching if you're a yoga teacher, maybe it's going up there and being like, I need to perform like a yoga teacher performs like I've seen other teachers perform. I need to do what they do, but that's the complete opposite of what I would say myself.

12:30 Any of any of the other facilitators in our school want anybody to do. We want you to share or teach yoga, yes, but we wanted to do it through you, through your vessel, through your expression, through you, your authenticity.

12:44 That's what makes it special. Whatever you teach, whether it's a yoga Class, A sequence, a lecture, the, the information itself is, can be repeated. It can be, I mean, look, we're, we're, we're moving out of the information age and we're moving into the energy age. But information is so abundantly around us that you can find information about everything, anything, sequences, lectures, books, like it's just, it's all available at your fingertips from just looking at your phone

13:15 or your computer. So information is everywhere, but it's not so much about the information, it's the way in which the information or the energy is actually being transferred or shared. Now, should it be shared in a way that it's packaged inauthentically?

13:31 Because I think this is what people want. And then it's kind of rolling the die whether they like it or don't like it. Or is it like, you know what, fuck it, I'm just going to be myself delivered in the way that I want to deliver it. That feels right for me.

13:45 That feels fun for me. And then people will either like it or not like it. You get the same result. Now, of course, it's scary to step into that place again because it's just like, well, what if people don't like me for who I am? It makes it feel a little bit more vulnerable to be yourself. So I get the scariness.

14:06 I get that it's difficult, but it's so freeing, not only for your mind, but for your body, your energy. Just this is where a lot of the burnout actually comes from or the exhaustion comes from is trying to be somebody that we're not. You can kind of see it in Jim Carrey if you have you seen him before and after, he just, his body just looks so defeated over all the years of being inauthentic. And I think it's just been going through its healing process over the last like decade or so.

14:35 So much stress in the body from trying to be someone that you're not. So let's try to anchor this down before we move on a little bit more as I like to do. So if you're with me and you are in such a place where you can freely use your hands, place one hand over your face very lightly and acknowledge the mask that you may wear from occasion, perhaps bringing yourself to the place where you actually know where you wear a mask or you put one on occasionally.

15:18 Now take a deep breath in and exhale. Breathe it out on your next inhale. As you inhale, I want you to keep your eyes closed if they aren't already closed, and breathe that out. Now on this inhale. As you inhale, breathing in deeply, start to slowly lower your hand and then breathe out, and then say to yourself, I don't need to perform to be worthy. I don't need to pretend to be loved. I don't need to pretend to be loved. OK.

16:26 So if you did that with me, thank you. Let that settle, settle for a moment, but I will continue the conversation to talk a little bit more about this. It's really much the same thing, but we're going to be talking more about the approval versus the authenticity a little bit more. So it's kind of a like a layer underneath the mask, the tension between approval and authenticity, which approval is again that external validation being accepted or acceptance and we receive when we behave in a

17:01 way that meets others expectations, or at least we think we're meeting their expectations. Often times we're guessing what their expectations might actually be. You might actually want you to be yourself. That might actually be the expectation versus this authenticity, living and expressing in alignment with your inner truth, living and expressing in alignment with your inner truth.

17:27 And it even means not everyone will actually understand or actually approve of the way that you are. And that's OK. So the voice of approval is, you know, just keep it light. Don't go too deep. You know, don't, don't reveal yourself too much.

17:43 Don't show your true colors too much. Just do what works, even if it doesn't feel right. That one makes me almost uncomfortable. Just do what works, even if it doesn't feel right. Versus your authentic voice says this is me and that's enough.

18:05 This is me and that's enough. I'd rather be real than be liked. I'd rather be real than be liked. Let's face it, the world that we live in with this validation that exists socially online, likes, you know, engagement as it's described, comments and all that stuff that is just fueling people's desire to be a particular way. It's like, oh, if I do this, I get more likes. Oh, if I do this, I get more comments. But it's more so catering to the mainstream narrative of what we think the world wants.

18:51 But what people actually want ends up being this like long standing trend that ends up consuming society in such a way where it shifts people from being authentic. And they just start to jump into the flowing river of society and being completely subjected to whatever it is that is being decided as like a as like a unit versus authentically being yourself and expressing yourself and turning the opposite way because that's what feels right to you.

19:24 So it is unfortunate, but it doesn't mean that we can't be aware of it. Create awareness. Again, like a podcast like this, just talking about it. I'm sure there's more other, there's other podcasts that talk more about authenticity. I mean, shoot, even Brené Brown is someone who's all about authenticity.

19:42 So what would change in your life, in your teaching, in your professional work, your relationships, or even your voice the way that you speak, if you stopped chasing approval and started trusting your authenticity? Something that's been brought up to me before, I've actually talked about it with Kat Kabira, who's been on the podcast a few times. We often bring her into our trainings to talk about energy generally.

20:18 But one of the things that she brings up often is how when we're not grounded, we're not centered, our voice tends to change. It might be a little bit higher pitched or a little bit faster and you know, feeling almost like it's moving really quickly and as opposed to maybe it's a little bit deeper, which might be connected to being more grounded and more centered. But it's almost like the slower voice can sometimes actually allow you to be a little bit

20:48 more yourself. Allow some time, some energy to be able to connect with the environment around you, to be able to respond and to be and behave in such a way that is authentic to the moment. Versus when you talk really quick and you're just saying all the things and you're almost rehearsing a script and you're just kind of going through the motions. And you're just trying to say as many things as possible so that when someone hears you, they can not really hear you because there's no time for anything to

21:16 actually land. Because words are coming out so quick. And the person that's speaking, if it's you or if it's me saying so much that you might actually not even know what you're saying. Has that ever happened to you before?

21:31 It's happened to me many times. Even still, sometimes I'm not, I'm not centered or grounded. I'll just come in to teach, let's say a lecture and I'll almost be on autopilot. Just kind of like speaking and saying things. And then I kind of like come out of it being like, I don't even know what just happened because I wasn't grounded.

21:49 I wasn't centered. I wasn't really me. I wasn't there, I wasn't present. I was just kind of going through some sort of conditions script. Granted, I've taught so many times that the script was probably decent, but it didn't feel right.

22:03 It didn't feel authentic. You know, I didn't feel like I was bringing in a, a flavor of realness throughout it because I wasn't present. I wasn't present and I wasn't grounded. So being grounded, being present, connecting to your heart, connecting to your breath, that's one of the best ways to anchor your authenticity. So in Yoga Svadya, Svadya is self study, which helps us uncover what's real versus what we've learned to perform, what kind of conditions or patterns

22:42 have come through over our life. And we've learned, oh, this is the way that I need to act or be versus is it actually me? So yoga encourages us to notice. And that's really all I want you to do from this podcast is just notice where we're practicing for appearance rather than presence.

23:06 Now, from a, let's say, science perspective, chasing approval or desiring approval by being a particular way, even if it's not you, activates the performance based reward circuits in your body, in your brain, in your nervous system, which leads to emotional dysregulation, or in another words, stress.

23:33 Living authentically fosters this secure attachment to who you are, to who you have always been and strengthens your nervous system's resilience and enhances your well-being. So let's anchor this one. Let's breathe into our belly deeply and fill it up completely, breathing that out, and just say silently to yourself that my truth is enough. Who I am is enough, and I love who I am. I belong no matter where I am, no matter how I am, truly, when it's anchored in that inner

24:58 alignment, in that Satya, that truthfulness deep down in your heart of who you really are, that's where peace, that's where balance lives. So performance is not always conscious like I described in my example. It's usually quite unconscious. It can be a habit, it can be a pattern, it can even be a survival strategy that we picked up to stay safe, to be liked, to be accepted.

25:32 But of course, it comes at the cost, the disconnection from ourselves, the exhaustion, the emotional invisibility. Belonging starts when we begin to remove the mask, even just a little bit. It can feel scary, but doing so can be so freeing, so liberating, so regulating.

25:55 Now I'll give you some reflective prompts, questions, things to sit with, maybe journal about. Where do I perform most often in life? Work, social media, teaching, family relationships. Where do I perform most often in life?

26:28 What would one step towards belonging, not approval look like this week? What would one step towards belonging, not approval, look like this week? Am I willing to let go of being liked in order to be real? Am I willing to let go of being liked in order to be real?

27:13 The truth is, you do not have to be perfect to be loved. You do not have to perform to be seen. Your presence as you are is worthy of belonging. Take the mask off. Let yourself be known. The right people, the real people will meet you there.

27:44 So let's close today's podcast with a simple breathing exercise to integrate a little bit more. So depending on where you are, if you can either sit tall, stand tall, just start to soften the shoulders a little bit, inhaling through the nose gently and then exhaling through the mouth, inhaling through the nose. And as you inhale, say I release the mask. And then as you exhale, say I return to myself one more time. As you inhale, I release the mask. And then as you exhale, I return

28:38 to myself. Inhale again. It is safe to be me. And then exhale, I belong as I am. Inhale again, it is safe to be me. And then exhale, I belong as I am. You are not alone in this practice of becoming yourself, becoming authentic and tapping into you. You're already enough and you are already loved by so many. There's no need to put on a face, to put on a mask and seek the approval of people.

29:43 Thank you so much for today. Thank you for tuning in. As always, you can reach out to us on Instagram. Any feedback, any reflections, any thoughts are always welcome. Otherwise, have a beautiful rest of your day and we'll connect with you next week. Take care for now.

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