Why We Avoid Difficult Conversations with Michael Henri

0:00 Hello, welcome to the podcast. My name is Michael Henry. And today we're going to be talking about something that we all face at some point, and that is difficult conversations. Whether it's a tough talk with a friend, a disagreement at work, or setting boundaries in a relationship, these moments challenge our emotional intelligence.

0:21 So why do we feel anxious before a confrontation? Why do we sometimes get defensive or shut down or say things that we regret? More importantly, how can we navigate these conversations without actually losing her cool? So in this episode, we'll break down why difficult conversations feel so triggering.

0:39 What happens in the brain and body when we enter into this conflicting moment? And how can we actually shift from reacting to responding? We'll also bring in that yogic perspective, as always, along with some powerful strategies to help you handle these moments in more clarity, confidence, and calm. Before we begin today's episode officially, I'd love to ask for your support by reviewing this podcast. We'd love to give this podcast to as many people in the world as possible as a free resource

1:24 to learn more about yoga and personal growth. So if you just go to Apple podcast or Spotify or whatever platform that you use, go down to that star review and just give us some love, we'd very much appreciate it. So why difficult conversations can feel so emotionally charging? Well, I can count many, many different times where I've been avoiding certain conversations for a week, whether it be in my relationship or working environment, where I didn't actually know how to handle it.

1:53 I wasn't really sure how it was going to go, and I was kind of fearful of actually having it all together. But whenever I actually finally had it, even though it was difficult in the moment, working through it and realizing that if I come at it in a particular way and not allowing my emotions to take over, the conversation would actually go a little bit better. But if I kind of come into it, let's say, unprepared or dysregulated, then the conversation might not go exactly as I planned.

2:24 And then it might actually lead into some sort of full flight fight or flight mode. So before we kind of dive into some examples, some practical takeaways and like how to actually do this, let's kind of break it down from just like a foundational perspective. So the biology of conflict and what actually happens in the brain and the body.

2:45 So the threat response, the fight or flight response, when a conversation feels threatening emotionally or socially, that amygdala, which is part of your reptilian brain or the fear center or often times I describe it as your fire alarm.

3:00 It can activate sending us into one of these fight or flight, freeze or fond modes. Cortisol and adrenaline is surging. These stress hormones flood the system making our heart race, breathing shallow and body tense. And This is why sometimes react impulse. This is why we react impulsively, sometimes get defensive or shut down when we're in these difficult conversations because we're not actually feeling safe or feeling a certain amount of stress because of this unknown. And as I've mentioned before in

3:32 a lot of podcasts about whenever we're in this fight or flight state or we're no longer in our regulated state, we have another change that happens with our prefrontal cortex and we basically get hijacked by our our amygdala.

3:45 So the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for reasoning, rational thinking, problem solving, impulse control, it begins to let's say inhibit or eventually shut down when emotions start to take over. And that's when that amygdala starts to kick in a little bit more.

4:02 And This is why it's hard to think clearly, listen, or respond calmly in heated moments or conversations. So why do we avoid difficult conversations overall? Well, that fear response that kicks in is often triggered by some sort of fear of rejection, some sort of social survival instinct. And we don't want to have a conversation where there's a disagreement there and we feel this rejection or we feel like whatever we're presenting or sharing or boundary that we're trying to set is not accepted

4:33 and therefore it is rejected. That is, I would say one of the main reasons why we fear these conversations. So the discomfort of confrontation, which can also be linked to childhood conditioning as well. And perhaps it not necessarily being about rejection, but more so just the confrontation of just feeling this discomfort.

4:52 So for me, for my example of whenever I was younger, I remember many times when my parents would be fighting and I could hear them from the basement just kind of arguing with each other. And for myself, I didn't even want to go up or even be near that energy or that, let's say, conversation that they were having because it just made me feel uncomfortable. So I kind of learned and adapt that then. I'm sure everyone has their own stories and how that might play out.

5:19 So past experiences of conflict can actually lead to these negative outcomes as well. So your body isn't just reacting to the words that are being said when you're in these difficult conversations. It's actually responding to a deeper fear, some sort of fear of rejection, conflict, or possibly a failure. So the key is to learn how to regulate yourself, regulate your emotions or your nervous system so that your emotions don't actually start to take over the

5:43 conversation and we become more reactive than responsive. So when we look at this from a yogic perspective, before we dive into some of the practical takeaways and some examples, we're basically talking about ahimsa, non violence in words and in actions. So true non violence isn't just about avoiding harm, it's about speaking truthfully while maintaining compassion. So a difficult conversation doesn't have to be aggressive or passive.

6:09 It can be assertive in kind. So we don't actually have to avoid the conversation to avoid harm from ourselves, but actually to speak the truth and find a moment when we're regulated to be actually in this conversation. And it doesn't have to be aggressive and it doesn't have to be passive. It can just be.

6:30 And whatever kind of ruffling of the feathers the conversation might lay out, it's probably just something that needs to happen until there's more clarity on the other side. And this also kind of stems into Satya, which is the truthfulness and clarity and communication. So honoring your truth and having the difficult conversation is probably a lot about actually sharing what's important to you.

6:53 We're sharing what is true for you and wanting to be understood. So honoring your truth while also being mindful of how you express it is really important. Because if we express it in an aggressive way or a passive aggressive way, then it's not going to be received well and it probably would be rejected. But remember that when we're having these conversations, the person that we're actually talking to is another individual that has the same challenges in

7:21 their own body, in their own system. So recognize that can actually help you to be more compassionate towards the individual, compassionate towards yourself. And just know that you can just show up the best that you can and then just hope that it'll go as best as you can. And if you notice any dysregulation on the other person's end, then you just find a moment to maybe remove yourself from that conversation and come back to it later when there's more, let's say,

7:47 groundedness and less ego that's present. So ultimately, we can try to support that aspect of a difficult conversation through whether it be pranayama practice or breathing control for regulating those emotions or regulating your nervous system. So let's just say in the moment these emotions start to rise, we just should always be checking in with our breath. How am I breathing?

8:13 Am I losing my awareness of my breath? Because if I do that and it starts to become shallow or erratic, then my body is going to start to enter more into the stress response. I'll start to lose more of that resources of rational thinking, logical thinking, problem solving, and ultimately my emotional center will start to kick in a bit more. So connecting to the breath is always going to help to support and minimize that happening in these conversations or even maybe in preparation for these

8:44 difficult conversations. So practicing slow, deep breathing before and during that tough conversation can keep the nervous system staying calm and have more clarity in your mind whenever you're trying to share your truth or share or even listen to what the other person might be sharing.

9:03 So yoga teaches us that how we speak and listen is part of our practice. The goal isn't to win a conversation and just share everything from your side and your opinion, but to actually show up with your truth and awareness and a steady heart to also allow the other person to be heard as well. So how do we stay emotionally grounded in a difficult conversation beyond just breathing? So part of this would be kind of recognizing your own triggers before the conversation might

9:33 actually start. So ask yourself before you jump into it, why does this conversation or why am I avoiding this conversation? What is it about it that is difficult for me? What am I actually afraid of? If you can identify what that is, it might be able to help to, let's say, lessen that hold on you.

9:58 And it might even help to bring more clarity on whether it's some sort of fear of, let's say, rejection or failure or possibly not being hurt or understood. And like I mentioned before, regulating your nervous system through breathing is definitely something that should be done throughout the conversation.

10:16 But you can also do this before to make sure that you're grounded before coming in, which I would highly recommend. Or you could even just do something that helps to ground you a bit more, which could be pressing your feet into the floor, feeling your hands, slowing your speech.

10:32 And that's something that you know comes with practice, of course, but basically connecting to your body. When you connect to your body, you tend to be more tapped into your parasympathetic nervous system, more regulated.

10:44 And you can also use a simple technique which you know can be something like the pause in react or pause before you react kind of strategy. So instead of immediately responding to something that might be said that might actually be triggering or something that you might disagree with, take a few seconds to actually just sit with that and breathe. Now, this is going to somewhat prevent this amygdala from hijacking the conversation and you becoming more, let's say, reactive because you're taking a

11:15 moment to absorb, to breathe, and to respond. Now, in practical sense, I've been in many situations where I've tried to take that pause and it wasn't received well because I didn't respond right away. The other person got irritated that I was taking too long to respond, even though it might have been only a few seconds.

11:40 But that's when I started to notice that they were in a more reactive state and the conversation wasn't actually going to be very fruitful for both of us. So in those moments, I tend to try to politely remove myself from the conversation by recognizing that, let's say there's a little bit more ego at play, but not necessarily calling out the ego in that conversation because the ego doesn't like to be called out. And that just kind of makes things a little bit more aggravated.

12:10 So I tend to try to say things like, OK, I just need a little bit more time to think about this. So if you can give me a few moments, I just want to kind of think about it and then and then I'll respond, right. So that's can be something that you can do kind of in the moment. Just give me a few minutes to just kind of like sit with that or integrate that process that.

12:32 And if the person is able to handle that, then maybe the conversation can continue. But if for whatever reason that doesn't seem to be, let's say, accepted, then perhaps asking for a revisit of the conversation might be most suitable when things are, let's say, a little bit more grounded.

12:52 And then you can have time to kind of process whatever might have been shared. Now, these are different examples depending on the spectrum of time that you actually take the pause for, it could be 3 seconds, it could be 3 minutes. So you kind of use whatever strategy makes most sense in the moment, of course.

13:09 So in conversations that are difficult, and usually the difficulty comes from having some sort of opinion or some sort of perspective and it needing to be shared. While the other individual probably has a similar story where they have some sort of opinion or perspective that needs to be shared. Now, while it's great to be able to share ours and be heard, it's also really important to make sure that the other person is feeling heard as well.

13:33 So staying curious and wanting to know what they think or wanting to know their perspective is really important because if it's all just about you sharing, then it's not going to be very, let's say fair in the sense where their nervous system is not actually going to feel safe, heard and understood either. So instead of thinking of how do I actually continue to prove my point or share my point or maybe defend my point? Because often times in these

14:03 difficult conversations, it's usually because there's two different perspectives of a certain point. So instead of thinking, how do I actually defend myself, shift to what can I actually learn from this moment? Maybe there's some sort of insight that they have that I haven't seen yet. And being open to that, being receptive to that can go a long way in the progression of the conversation and of course, the relationship.

14:29 So repeat back what you hear from someone. So what you're saying is XYZ before actually reacting, try to actually allow yourself some time to digest what they're saying, understand them, or possibly even understand the words behind the words of what they're saying.

14:46 There's usually a lot of value in that. So using statements with I instead of you or this kind of blame type of situation. So instead of you never listen to me or you do something that makes me feel uncomfortable, it's rather should be something along the lines of I where I feel unheard when I try to express myself or I feel a little taken back when I hear you say things.

15:17 Or that'd be a bit difficult 'cause I'm saying you in that situation, but I feel a little bit challenged or I feel a little bit uneasy whenever I hear something like this. So I just need to sit with that a little bit more.

15:30 And I know that's part of my processing. So that just allows the individual to understand where your perspective comes from. It doesn't necessarily mean that there's a fault of like why someone might feel something. Because often times we feel things for different reasons.

15:45 These are parts of our triggers and we're all kind of responsible for our own triggers. But we can also leave space to have those triggers, let's say calm or or become a little bit more idle in the moment instead of trying to add more fuel to the fire.

16:03 So a conversation doesn't have to be a battle. When we pause, breathe, and stay curious, we turn confrontation into connection. So before we go into a couple examples and a few more takeaways, thinking about the emotional impact or the resolution of this unresolved kind of conflict. So the cost of not actually having the conversation and often times can actually be worse than the actual conversation itself.

16:33 Even though these difficult conversations can feel a bit yucky, in my experience, even though I often times don't want to do it, as soon as I do it or shortly after when I do it, I just feel so much better because I feel like a lot of the, the conflict or that energetic resistance between myself and the individual, which is kind of unspokenly there becomes resolved to some degree. So if we don't actually do that, the cost is that unresolved conflict, which can lead to

17:01 stress, resentment, mental exhaustion, some sort of narrative that's being played out because, you know, there's no clear understanding of a certain person's perspective or they're not understanding your perspective or what you know you have to share. So then they can, their brain just kind of fills in the blanks and that can usually mean lots of different things. It's basically a blank canvas of a narrative. And these types of things can lead to physical symptoms like headaches, tightness in the jaw,

17:30 digestive issues, tension in the body. And of course, the worst thing is it can actually affect your relationships, breaking them down due to this avoidance, and oftentimes can lead to passive aggressive natures. So the power of repairing enclosure, even if a conversation doesn't actually go perfectly, showing up with awareness and integrity creates that healing.

17:53 Let's say platform apologies and owning up to mistakes can help to rebuild trust. So in these difficult conversations, take ownership when appropriate to make sure that you're being honest with yourself and you're honest with the individual and try to let go of the need to win, whatever that might mean. Winning isn't really something that happens in this conversation.

18:20 If you think there is a winner and a loser, then then that's the first mistake there. It's more about how do I get to share my perspective and how do I get to hear their perspective? And then we can find some sort of middle ground or middle understanding. That's really where we can find this compromise. So true connection actually happens when we put our egos aside and we collaborate.

18:43 So a difficult conversation isn't about proving who is right, it's about deepening understanding and connection. Even when resolution is impossible, the way you show up still matters. So let's look at a couple examples and we'll kind of apply some of the principles of what we talked about to some degree, and then we'll actually just summarize those principles fully.

19:10 Let's see here. First scenario I have is setting a boundary with a friend who keeps canceling plans. So you have a close friend who frequently cancels plans at the last minute. So you feel unimportant but don't want to seem needy or confrontational.

19:24 So the two options are unregulated reactions could be that you either lash out saying something like you always cancel plans on me, you don't even care about this friendship, or you avoid the conversation entirely which leads to feeling resentful and basically pretending everything is fine.

19:43 So a regulated approach, which would be using some of these teachings is before the conversation, recognize the emotional trigger. So maybe I feel rejected when my plans aren't being valued or my time isn't being valued.

19:57 So regulate the nervous system, any kind of breathing technique, grounding technique, connecting to your body. And set the intention that the goal is to make them, not to make them feel bad, but it's to express your feelings and understand their side. So during the conversation, instead of using the I statements of blame, you always cancel on me. It can be something like, I feel a bit disappointed when our plans don't happen because I really enjoy our time together. Is there something going on

20:28 which kind of allows a little bit of that curiosity and vulnerability at the same time? And then of course, as always, pausing before we react. So if they get defensive from something that's being shared, resist the urge to react as much as possible. Give yourself that buffer of time to absorb so that we don't add more fuel to the fire of the egos. So instead, mirror what they say to make them feel heard. I hear that you've been overwhelmed lately. I get that.

20:58 Maybe we can set up plans that work better for you so that we don't miss these opportunities to connect in the future. Now, I'm saying this in a very formal way, but at the end of the day, you still want to be yourself when you're talking about it. And you don't want to sound scripted, but you can definitely be grounded when you're sharing these things. And then, of course, after the conversation, just check in with yourself, Practice some of that

21:21 spot. Yeah. Yeah. Self study. Did I actually express myself well and did I do it so that my needs are being heard without actually kind of exposing any guilt onto the individual? And of course, you need to let go of the outcome because we can't control what actually happens outside of it. We can only control what happens within ourselves. So whether they change or not or they accommodate or whatever, you basically need to practice honesty within yourself and not actually get aggressive or angry

21:52 at them for not and letting go of that control. So the outcome could be that your friend may open up about their struggles and appreciate your honesty for sharing how you feel, even if they continue to cancel. You've expressed your needs without being resentment or without building resentment. So more often than not, those situations tend to go better. I would say when there's more regulation overall. But let's look at a couple more examples. So addressing a work conflict

22:24 without actually escalating it. So you're working with a colleague who constantly seems to interrupt you in meetings. They don't really seem to give you an opportunity to share or to actually express certain things. So you feel unheard, frustrated, but you don't want to cause tension in the workplace or possibly cause any, let's say, disconnect within the professional workplace that might lead to some sort of negative outcome, whether it be being fired or losing some sort of contract or something like

22:55 this, basically staining the relationship. So again, if we think about like what would be the unregulated reactions where the amygdala kind of kicks in? So you snap at them in the meeting and say something like, can you just stop interrupting me, please?

23:11 And you start to get defensive or you stay silent but start to fume inside, which kind of builds that resentment again and you feel kind of unappreciated. Either scenario is not appropriate. So the regulated approach would be more about, again, before the conversation, identify what the root emotion might be. So you might have to do this, you know, beforehand or come back and reflect on it.

23:32 So prepare for the next time this might happen. But ultimately saying something like, OK, I think I feel disrespected when I'm not being heard and I feel disrespected when I'm interrupted. So breathing and grounding to kind of level with that and integrate that, whether it be connecting the feet to the floor, feeling anchored and steady, connecting to your breath and then choosing the right time. Instead of calling them out in front of others, wait for a private moment, put them aside

24:00 and have a conversation and then use assertive, non aggressive language instead of saying things like you're always interrupting me and it's rude. That wouldn't land so well. That'll probably trigger a little bit more of there you go.

24:13 Instead, we can say something like, I've noticed that sometimes I don't get to finish my points and meetings, and I'd love to be able to share my full thoughts before moving on. Now, depending on how they respond to that, we can also continue to, let's say, evoke a little bit more of a curiosity for them to feel heard and understood.

24:39 What actually allows oftentimes the ego to settle so that they can do the same for you? So you can say something like, I'm curious, do you feel like I take too long to explain things or is there something else that you would like to share before I can share my perspective? This kind of opens up the door for understanding rather than conflict and a few other things that we can kind of do in a situation like this.

25:06 Work related, just being right, conscious of your tone and your body language, right? If you're trying these techniques, but your arms are crossed and your, you know, your tone is very kind of not really matching the energy.

25:19 Let's just say you want to try to keep your voice steady, slow your speech and kind of soften your body, open your body up to some degree, which makes you more approachable and makes the individual feel safer. Just like you want to feel safe as well. It kind of has to happen one way or another, and it can happen through Co regulation.

25:37 Co regulation being if you are kind of embodying that energy, then you're almost going to have this mirror effect where they're going to somewhat embody that energy as well. Even though it might be difficult for you to kind of initiate it, it's a great thing to start to help that conversation. And like I said before, after the conversation, you can kind of come back to this spa ya ya self study self reflection. Did I actually communicate with clarity and self respect for myself and was I also being

26:06 compassionate and open to allow them to share what they need to share as well? Now if the behavior continues and it doesn't actually improve, then you can decide how to proceed from there. And if some sort of escalation professionally happens, adjusting how you would actually engage in the future is probably the best thing to do.

26:25 Hopefully the outcome is, is that the colleague may never actually have realized that they were interrupting you. And you bringing that clarity to them was actually helpful. Especially if it gets to a point where they don't have to feel like they need to defend themselves because you're approaching it with a calm and direct way, which kind of preserves that professional respect while at the same time allowing them to recognize that boundary.

26:50 So a lot of these kind of scenarios is kind of implying, again, some of these practical takeaways, which I'll say one more time before a difficult conversation. You want to identify your emotional triggers, practice some sort of breathing or some sort of grounding technique to keep yourself regulated and get clear on your intention.

27:09 What do I actually want to share in this situation? But recognizing that I also want to be open to hear what they might have to say. Try not to defend yourself. Try not to push your agenda. And then when you're in the conversation, try to slow down, pause, respond, and then use I statements instead of you statements because the you statements can make it feel a little bit more triggering to blame. And focus again, more on that understanding rather than reacting.

27:41 Try to understand their perspective and they will kind of mirror that energy to some degree and they might actually be able to understand your perspective if you're kind of embodying that for yourself. And then again, after the conversation, reflect, did I communicate clearly, respectfully? Could I have done something better if the emotions actually took over?

28:05 Just practice some self compassion. You know, it's a, it's a practice. This is what we do. And then you let go of the perfectionism. You know, no conversation is flawless. It's never going to be perfect. You just usually, it's kind of messy, to be honest.

28:18 You're ruffling feathers and you're kind of stirring things up. But if we can kind of keep that grounded nature, then usually things kind of resolve to some degree, maybe not in that exact conversation, but eventually. And it's a great practice remembering that no matter what, we can't actually control the outcome.

28:35 We can do our best to try to influence it by staying grounded as much as possible and using some of these strategies, but at the end of the day, we cannot control what happens externally. So my closing thoughts on this is that difficult conversations are actually never easy. That's why we call them difficult conversations, but they're still necessary.

28:58 And avoiding them is actually worse because it builds that resentment and it ultimately makes you feel unheard and unappreciated. So the key is learning to regulate your emotions, expressing yourself with clarity, and listening with an open heart.

29:15 So thank you so much for tuning in, and we will speak to you next week. Bye for now. All right, before you go, let me just tell you about the Going proyoga.com platform. So right now you can go to goingproyoga.com and check it out for free for seven days, where you can actually learn more about yoga in the ways of alignment, queuing, sequencing, yoga anatomy.

29:37 So that if you've done a 200 hour teacher training and you want to continue to learn ractice and grow, this platform is definitely for you. So I definitely suggest checking it out goingproyoga.com right now. You can try it out for free for seven days.